Only 3 weeks away from my due date, and no matter how I attempt to mask myself with positivity in front of everyone… I know deep down the skeletons within me are yearning to climb out….
This has been by far the darkest year of my life… and I can’t help but feel empty, sad, and alone. It’s been years since I’ve been able to feel….
I miss the days when love, warmth, and light were seen in my smile, and even my presence. When I look in the mirror, I don’t even know who I’m looking at anymore…
Am I really ready to be a mother? I ask myself this everyday.
It’s been almost a week since I left, and every time he calls or texts me saying sorry… I almost feel even more aggravated. It’s crazy how I’ve heard the word “sorry”, countless times and really…. I’m just so sick of it.
There are times though, when I do feel like replying back, I think back to myself and I know that if that happens, everything will be different the first day and then next thing you know, we’re back to our old ways…. I’m done being stepped on, and I know I can do this without him.
I’ve never drowned in such misery in a relationship before, and now that I’ve finally been to myself these past few days, for the first time I’m actually enjoying my pregnancy. Kind of anxious to find out if I’m carrying a Prince or a Princess, Thursday needs to come quick… to think that I’m already halfway there is so crazy. I could’ve sworn just yesterday I found out…I truly am blessed, and I can’t wait to meet my little one.
I have quite the road ahead of me, fresh out of a relationship with my baby’s daddy.
Never in my life would I have thought that life would take me on this road. This is the time where I have to be strong though especially for my little one…
My reason for leaving still stands. I know that being a single mother is going to be tough, but I know I can do this. Nobody has ever broken me down the way he has. Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I’ve never felt do miserable with someone…. I wouldn’t have all these trust issues if he didn’t give me reasons to. It’s amazing how many times I’ve caught him lying, even about the smallest things…. I’m over it and I can’t do this shit anymore.
Almost five months in, and as the weeks go by I find myself more and more afraid. I’m 22 yrs old, pregnant and keeping it. I have faced the biggest decision of my life in going through with this pregnancy, and I pray this was the right decision…
Never in my life had I imagined pregnancy to be like this… Maybe I was always caught up in the whole “fairy-tale” endings, and I always believed I would be a proud mother who was well established, maybe not married… but at least in love. But that’s definitely not how this story goes…..
Some people are totally ecstatic about the news.. but the people that know me best really wish I didn’t go through with this. This has been such an emotional battle of finding myself, and really wishing I was happy with my life. I’ve never been as depressed as I am now, and these are things I won’t even admit to anyone, I guess you can say that’s why I’m throwing it on here… because for a long time this was always a place where I felt like it was okay to spill out any emotion, a place that was safe.
Nobody would ever guess how many times I’ve cried alone, suicidal thoughts cross my mind on a daily but I honestly don’t have anyone to talk to. Nobody would understand and people will judge, that’s why I choose not to speak about these things. I have wishes of dying during delivery in hopes that that baby makes it out safe and I lay there cold and lifeless. free…. this is what I wish for….
I have this app on my phone where I am able to keep track of my pregnancy and as the days go by, it’ll tell me how many days I have left until I’m due and in my head, I think… “this is how many more days i have to live…”
(To be continued)…..